AutumnCider

I seem to be that type of person that annoys/upsets someone even without doing or saying anything I hate upsetting anyone it makes me feel physically sick when I upset people. Especially if it's not knowing what I've done, but I can blatantly see that the person doesn't like me anymore. But I feel worse when they've told me what it is I've done too. So I can't really win with my sensitivity and emotions. I wish I knew why people don't like me, am I ugly? Am I annoying? Am I too sensitive? Am I a whole load of crap put in one person? (Most like answer). 

I'm having a real hard time with my diseases again, not physically, although they are always a pain in the bum. But emotionally coming to terms with them. I am always finding it difficult. Some people physically cannot understand why I struggle with simple every day tasks, and when I say to them why, they freak and turn away from me, when they asked the questions in the first place...It really hurts me. Yes I can't help having the problems I have, and of course I wish nothing more than to have a normal set of lungs, not the scarred, gunky, damaged ones I have. Yes I know people are worse off than me, trust me I know that. I see people like that every time I go to my lung hospital, so you don't need to tell me about that. But when I see normal people, (healthy), of course I wish I could be like them sometimes. When people smoke and damage their own lungs, and because my diseases are mostly in people who smoke, people automatically look at me with disgust and think I smoke! I've never smoked! Never have, never will. So it's really hard for me, and now I wait at least a month before I tell anyone (A new friend) about my diseases, then they kill me anyone for not telling them in the beginning! I cannot win!  

Truth is, no when you look at me, you can't see anything wrong with me apart from a underweight, short 18 year old from England. But then if you go into my life more, see the tablets I have to take, the inhalers and the nebulised medicines in the nebuliser machine, people run a mile from me. Not to mention the physio sessions I should be doing twice a day, but DON'T because I'm scared what people will think, so I'm worsening my own health in that respect. Then they see the emotional package that comes with all of that. I mean I don't blame people from running from me...I just...wish I had some people who didn't Basically everyone, and I mean everyone in real life has run from me. Not to mention me moving has made things worse as a lot of my friends live near to where I used to live, and what's even harder, is that I used to go to secondary school in the area I live in now! So I have a lot of people I know around, but they just don't want to know me anymore It's really sad, and it really upsets me. I mean it's not my fault I get so sick I end up in hospitals on drips and in home for 3 months sometimes...Do those people think I want that? Of course I don't...No I'm not that sociable, never will be, but do I wish I didn't have to be constantly tired because of my lungs? Of course I do. I wish I was as lively as your every day teenager. 

Truth is I am really having some troubles coming to terms with things. My lung hospital have referred me to therapy of a different kind to my other one, a therapist that deals specifically with people with long term (forever) lung problems. But I may have to wait 6 months or so for that to even get put on the waiting list, so not getting my hopes up. I just...I don't feel like I can truly talk to anyone on here because I feel like all I'm doing is being a burden to them. Like they feel like they HAVE to hang around and listen to me, truth is, I really don't want people to feel like that. That's why I haven't been round much.

I'm just a big bag of mush at the moment And it's really not nice. I have no idea how to get rid of it...I will probably delete this journal soon anyway. But yeah...having some troubles at the moment, as you can all see. Can't trust anyone, don't feel like I can be myself around anyone, not taking my medication so I can seem like a normal person when in fact it's doing the total opposite, and I feel like I've ruined my parents lives being born the way I have.